INTERSTELLAR CONTRACT HIT
In 1996 in Leith, Edinburgh, I was recuperating late from a Scottish
music gig the previous night when at about eleven O' clock in the
morning a small slim alien wearing of all bizarre things an evening
dress materialises in my bedroom.
She is about five feet seven, emanates great age and is wearing an
evening gown with long evening gloves and a string of pearls.
At this point, your guess is as good as mine.
I almost jumped out of my skin when I saw this.
She walks over to the side of my bed and stands there looking down at
me. She explains that she is from an Imperial court and that she wants
to teach me about their Royal etiquette.
She next asks if I thought she was comely and I look her in her
strange almond shaped humanesque eyes.
I could hear my guardian Angel shout out `No !!' and then next there
is a flash of white light as a standard zeta reticulan capture device
discharges in its attempt to transport me.
I next feel like I am floating with everything totally white around
me, there being absolutely no visible landmarks in this white zone.
Still fully conscious I next could see four Men who were not very
pleased at the attempted abduction.
Not knowing exactly where I was, I asked them if it was all over for
me and they just said `no .. its ok, we're going to return you.'
My guardian or indeed a team of Angels had headed this one off at the
Obviously the regal stuff was some sort of confidence trick to gain my
attention and empathy, but what was this all about I wondered
I was being protected by some no nonsense Angels.
Thankfully whoever had supplied the technology to this being had been
unable to prevail with it.
The next time I saw this lady she was wearing normal looking clothes
looking more human but with the same head-shape and had a similar
pearl necklace on and she smiled at me.
Who was this person I began thinking .. and if I'm not mistaken that
would be the third time in four weeks I had seen her locally either
smiling at me from a passing car or waiting for me at the Mall.
She could teleport herself and appeared to have access to resources
and equipment and how could she be certain that the regal type
confidence trick was going to get past my obvious guardians.
What was that about and why would regal things really go for my ego.
Was she operating solo and indeed was I being tagged and targeted by
invisible interstellar technologies and beings.
The human eyesight and cognition can only do so much in these
Where I was staying in Fife, the television reception was bad and
tended to not deliver any meaningful pictures to the license payers.
Indeed the place was a known black hole for terrestrial TV.
I had put the teletext news service on to pick up the headlines but
could make out nothing meaningful in the jumble of letters except `Be
Good', which had been the little ET's advice to the child hero in the
Spielberg film ET.
Deciding that I needed some control of the situation, and not letting
my psychology be driven and hence controlled by alien BS, I put on my
starwars DVD, and having heard the dialog before put on some music to
play along with it, just letting the images run. To my surprise it
seemed that the dynamics of the movements in the film were somehow
synchronising to the music.
My music was upbeat pop and the movements of the characters in the
movie seemed to jerk along to the beat.
Realising that this kind of stuff is totally impossible to prove after
the fact or even before it certainly without careful scientific
measurements and timing I changed the CD and put on a classical
music track behind the same tract of film. This time to my horror
things seemed to get a bit more slow and smooth and twirly.
Cannot be .. said my rational mind, starting to object.
Lets see if there is some stuff in my house interfering with the laws
of physics and motion.
I had a coffee table and decided to try out the laws of gravity. I
held a small hard plastic ball over it and let go. The expected effect
was one bounce not so high as the original drop height, then a
succession of quicker and progressively shorter and hence more rapid
bounces diminishing the balls energy to a stop.
That was exactly what happened.
I did it again and I could hear the first bounce, but the second one
didn't happen .. not for a disconcertingly rather long time the ball
had been held up .. postponed .. delayed.
But by whom or what.
I reckoned that with my television set and HiFi not co-operating that
I had better switch them off and try to sit down on my couch and take
stock of what seemed to be happening.
It was getting dark and tonight was actually Halloween which in
Scotland is traditionally a time for unhappy things in the great outdoors.
Witches, Ghosts and Aliens no doubt were all over the place and
knowing my track record for these kind of encounters even when I'm not
looking for them, I intended to stay in tonight and get some peace and
I made my supper and sat down to look at a magazine, looking up
suddenly to see a fairly dark monotonic hologram of princes street in
the glass display cabinet.
I don't do any substances and hadn't been slipped any so whatever I
was looking at was being provided on top of my beans on toast.
I sat there looking at this brown grey hologram of some guy in a long
raincoat being shunned and socially abused by classier looking people
on Princes street in Edinburgh.
One often doesn't need alien vision equipment to see that.
A rather disconcerting sight, I get up from my couch deciding that the
UK television standards agency Ofcom needed to be informed about this
illegal and pirate TV station that was putting out programmes without
adequate sound and then broadcasting them straight into my glass cabinet.
I rather thought that I should go on the internet and went over to my
machine, but as I looked into the dark powered down monitor, I could
see some movement behind the glass.
Not certain what I was looking at I stood back and then could clearly
see a little women in white, identical to the interstellar secret
agent lady who had previously tried to abduct me and she was waving at me.
This was not on .. in more ways than one.
I blinked and rubbed my eyes .. but then she brought her face closer
to the glass and as it got bigger and more obvious I stepped back.
As I did so other little specks of light started to fly out of the
black glass front of the monitor.
More and more quickly came into the room through the monitor that was
being used by this being like some sort of portal.
I could see that there were lights and objects swirling about in my
room and that the objects looked rather like triangular wedges, like
they were little manta rays.
I realised that I was in deep sh*t so I prayed to my guardian and felt
that things were ok and that I was not to panic.
The big swarm of strange flying wedges circled and chaotically circled
around the room and passed upstairs through the ceiling and I went up
the stairs to see what it was up to. It then formed itself into a
formation, getting smaller and smaller and flew into my landscape
painting of mars like they were a flock of happy migrating geese under
I was relieved to see the flock of horrid stuff go because I had the
idea that these things can get into humans if we get unlucky.
It was possible that I had been exposed to some sort of parasite
hosting attack by this strange being who appeared to be out to get me.
Was she some sort of interstellar hit lady and in fact, were there
others on the case too ? and why ?
I went outside after that to get some fresh air. It was a dark
Halloween night and the rows of houses were sparsely lit.
I looked up the hill to the top of the allegedly abandoned underground
base where I had seen a UFO offload a few weeks ago and wondered what
else was going on around here at night.
My eyes looked up to the sky to try to pick out the moon and stars and
some movement caught my attention on a rooftop opposite.
There was a stocky semi-transparent alien running across the roof in a
It was about five feet tall and seemed thickly built or somehow suited.
Next thing there is a flash of orange and the thing is gone.
I started to wonder whether or not I was going to get out of this nest
of nonsense intact. I certainly don't think having one of Captain
Kirk's best phasers would have helped, as these things could become
impossibly small, fast and difficult for the human faculties to track.
I don't think any human nervous system could successfully wage war on
these processes, however specially trained and equipped.
Worse still, the local police, who played for laughs were wearing Star
Trek Federation badges and not necessarily any lapel numbers.
I was hoping to Klingon here for as long as possible.
My local Chinese takeaway was called the Wok In .. which no doubt
served up the very best cuisine for miles around to the Naval
personnel at both the surface and underground military base and
As long as no-one `walked in' to my being and abducted me, things
would be ok.
The next morning after I peacefully slept in the Angelic arms of my
guardian, I powered up my camera and started taking some pictures,
especially of the room downstairs.
Sure enough there were still a couple of the little wedge-shaped
parasites swimming about amongst the more usual astral plankton and I
managed to get some images of this entity.
There had though been many more last night.
In Scotland it is traditional to have sea food served up with chipped
potatoes, so if anyone wants to know what they would be having with
their chips if they went to Rosyth take a look at the photo section in
In the morning, there was a circular blister about two inches in
diameter in the paintwork on my front door.
Some alien had managed to fire one off in my general direction.
To me there was some significant stuff happening locally at the
alleged deep level base. I could see the UFO traffic.
On top of this though, long before I had ever come to this locality,
this luminous white haired spindly being had been trying to do some
bad stuff to me.
Trying to abduct me for and on behalf of the Zeta's.
Whoever had hired her though no doubt expected results and no doubt
she would be requesting bigger and better equipment and no doubt would
be trying harder to get close in the future.
The next time I saw her, she or someone looking almost identical and
much more human was on the streets of Edinburgh one minute and when I
looked away and looked back, she was gone.
She has been on my tail for at least ten years and was letting me know
that she's still around.
Maybe the Zeta's will have found somebody better in the galactic
yellow pages by now I doubt that my Guardian Angel is worried though.